Saturday, 16 April 2011

High Expectations From A Warped Childhood!

I believe that our understanding of a fairytale’s moral warps with wisdom. I used to believe that happily-ever-afters involved white horses and palaces. My visualizations were illustrated by Walt Disney and I was influenced to imagine adulthood to be garnished in pixie dust.

Despite my hardest efforts, I have yet to find the Yellow Brick Road, although I do wonder if that was actually a euphemism for the M4.

The reality of my flying carpet is my R Reg Fiesta with a rusted exhaust, and no matter how fast it rattles, it absolutely refuses to leave the ground. It does not resemble a pumpkin in any way, shape or form and is certainly not a lovable bug!

I thought about robbing from the rich, once, but with private bank accounts being far more popular than treasure caves, I would just look silly swinging on a rope through Buckingham Palace in green tights.

When I was a child, nobody told me that breaking into chorus in public places does not necessarily mean that everybody will join in, in perfect harmony. The closest I have come to this is 20,000 fans chanting ‘You Fat Bastard’ at a football match!

I was very unaware of the consequences of knocking back the contents of mysterious shot glasses labelled ‘Drink Me’. However, the possibilities of Wonderland do have an impact on my weekends!

Living in Wales would suggest that our local wildlife consists mainly of dragons. Perhaps evolution doomed these creatures into extinction, but the likelihood of finding anything that breathes fire in these forests is still to be desired.

The expense of Christmas suggests that Santa only exists for naughty children…

A spoonful of sugar has little positive effect on Ritalin…

Goofy was actually a cow crossbred with a human and whichever was you try to justify that, the conclusion always leads to an unbearably horrific birth!

Shrinking your kids is not seen as good parenting!

Perhaps magic mirrors would be a great invention as a source of knowledge if Google were not such a convenience.

Bears do not appreciate tickles!

If animals could speak, would they really have American accents?

It is no wonder that hallucinogenics are classed as illegal substances in America, today. Walt Disney set such high standards for women to be a size 6, McDonalds was steering into liquidation!

…One last thought… An elephant with small ears would look rather odd, don’t you think…?!

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